Things like “finding oneself” or “self-actualization” go way over my head. In fact, they are concepts that not many people really dwell on to begin with. Most people go about their lives without realizing their tendencies, likes, and dislikes, and without thinking about the kind of life they want to lead. Even after they reach age thirty or beyond, - possibly even when they’re on their deathbed - they may not know who they truly are. But who can blame them? In an endless universe where we are but a breath in the chorus of existence, it’s not easy to work out your place in the world.

Does finding oneself through gaming sound plausible to you? It’s an unlikely proposition to be sure. With the stigma gaming carries these days, you would be lucky if people did not scoff at the notion.

“Gaming helped me find myself when I was lost, and I don’t mean with just money and fame. I used to be really quiet, but it changed me a lot. Gaming isn’t just a job to me. It has a tremendous value that goes beyond words.”

That was how Jaegeol “watch” Cho, who announced his retirement on January 18th after 10 years as a professional eSports player, concluded his interview. He found his true self through gaming. He was sincere. His words were not just some random phrase that someone says to be dramatic at the end of an interview. Instead, they came from the bottom of his heart; that was how I genuinely felt. At the risk of being brash, his words carried the same weight as athletes do near the end of their careers. Gaming can teach life lessons, give way to new outlooks, and become someone’s life.

Perhaps competition is what defines watch’s life. His competitive nature allowed other inner talents to shine, got him into pro gaming, and helped him reach the top.

“It’s been a long time since I went pro in 2008. When I was in middle school, Starcraft was widely popular. I got so mad after losing to a close friend in my class. [laughs] I went full practice mode and finally beat him.”

“Then I played the next strongest person and lost. So I practiced some more and beat him. Rinse and repeat. [laughs] Eventually, I played against Horang2, who was the best player in the school next to us and is now a close friend. Since that encounter, we’ve joined the same clan and, later, the same team to start our careers.”

“Yeah, I try to win at anything that has to do with mental competition. There are some physical competitions that I know I can’t win, but I still don’t lose when it comes to seeing who lasts the longest in a sauna. I’m stubborn in some ways, as are many other top gamers. Their appearances may say otherwise, but those who exhibit incredible grit always seem to rise to the top.”

watch’s budding career was as eventful as it gets. Although defeating Bisu in his debut match garnered him much attention, watch lost ten consecutive matches right after that. He cited getting cold feet on stage as the biggest factor, but the main issue was his health. Unfortunately, after the debut victory, he was given a false diagnosis and had to undergo an appendectomy. He had to rest for a full month, which is critically detrimental to the performance of a pro Starcraft player, since just taking a break for a couple days has significant impact. Leaving behind his pro gaming career after two years, watch went back to the ordinary life.

“I hadn’t done anything else because I played games all through school. I got into the real world earlier than most of my peers, so I didn’t hang out with friends much, either. During that time-off, I did things I had missed out on. I went to college, worked part-time jobs, and volunteered overseas. I guess I missed the ordinary life.”

“There were some happy moments during my two-year hiatus, but uncertainty from financial issues in the family was always nagging at me in the back of my mind. Maybe those were difficult years. Just when I thought I was lost, I met NaJin. It was do or die for me, and I desperately needed it.”

Things were tough in the family. watch’s mother has not been well for a long time, and she’s still hospitalized. He only mentioned that his mother is getting an operation, and not much more. Under his boyish appearance, watch hid a very mature perseverance. One of the main reasons he came back to Korea to retire was also his mother.

“Things just fell into place. My mother being ill was the biggest reason, and ZTR wanted a fresh start after the teammates went separate ways. The contract was for two years, but I left at the end of the first year. I’ve always felt terrible for not staying with my mother, since I’d been either in Seoul or overseas. I’m glad to be with my mother before her condition worsens."

“She can’t quite walk by herself yet. She’s hospitalized, and I’ve been with her ever since I came back here. If I have business in Seoul, I hire a caretaker to look after her.”

watch’s challenging environment had some negative influences on him, as he often confessed to having low self-esteem and being self-critical. An inferiority complex can be the primary engine of competitiveness. Maybe his competitive nature stems from this.

Being competitive has its merits, but also makes people burn out. I asked him about the happiest moment in his career, expecting to hear about winning tournaments.

“I think it was my first Worlds. We were knocked out early, so we spent time drinking coffee and playing cards. I still remember the songs I listened to there and yearn for that general nostalgia. Winning’s good and all, but it was the first time I felt like I had some space to breathe. I was going through some rough patches, you know, with financial issues in the family and my mother being sick.”

“I had low self-esteem and was very critical of myself. Having some downtime at Worlds really opened my eyes. I’d never felt like that in my life. I think that was why I was able to do well in the next season. That time helped me grow.”

Maybe people all have an inferiority complex to some degree or another, just as people can carry varying types of tumors. However, tumors can be either benign or malignant, depending partially on the individual choices people make. watch was someone who turned his tumors into blessings. Gaming, or more specifically LoL, gave him that opportunity.

“I started LoL when the Korean server opened. It was fun and different. I thought the game would no doubt be as successful as Starcraft. I constantly played League and reached 8th place in the server. Among the top 20 ranked players, I was the only amateur. At first, I got a call from CJ. They wanted me on ADC, and I think I did reasonably well in the tryout.”

“I was playing ranked on the same day I came back from the tryout and I was matched with MakNooN on the same team. In the first game I played a jungler, only to help him, and we won. In the next game, I was matched against MakNooN, so I exclusively targeted him, and I won. Then, he immediately sent me a friend request and asked me if I was interested in joining the team.”

“Head Coach Reach personally called me to ask if my position was jungle, and since the team needed a jungler, I told him I was one. [laughs] Reach asked ClouD, whom I played with on the same team, for references about me. Apparently, ClouD said some good things, so I was added to the team without a tryout.”

“Since I previously applied for CJ, I asked Head Coach Hyeonjong Kang before joining NaJin. I’ve always admired Reach, so I wanted to be on his team. I don’t know what would’ve happened if I went with CJ, but I think I made the right choice. I was happy to play with good players.”

After signing with NaJin, watch became an indispensable addition to the team. Despite his competitive nature, he was able to put the team before any jealousy and envy. With the confidence that comes with being ranked 8th in the server, he could have demanded to have time in the limelight. Luckily, watch was not that type of player.

“We already had enough stars like MakNooN and Pray. I knew having too much of an ego on a team can make things difficult, so I didn’t have an urge to stand out. My play style was in line with maintaining the balance, rather than trying to be flashy.”

watch recalled that he had so much fun playing together with his teammates. He enjoyed adapting to the aggressive plays spearheaded by MakNoon and having long conversations with his teammates. To him, his teammates meant much more to him than mere colleagues. Specifically, he had many interesting anecdotes surrounding the inevitable bond that forms between a toplaner and a jungler.

“I’ve always admired MakNooN even before I went pro, because he was one of the best toplaners at the time. I think that’s why I kept an extra eye on the top lane. [laughs] He’s an oddball, but a really nice friend.”

“The toplaners in my team were so dominant in lanes and had great pride in their skills. I’m probably the only person who could have contained their egos. [laughs] From MakNoon to Save, every toplaner was amazing. I helped them out while reciting affirmations.”

Throughout the interview, watch constantly talked about his teammates and spared no compliments. “Nice friends” was the one word that he kept repeating over and over. I got the sense that watch was a people person by nature. As such, LoL was a much better fit for him than Starcraft was.

“I played pretty good Starcraft in scrims. So, the team let me play in tournaments, and I lost every time. I didn’t think I was the type to get nervous on stage, but that probably was the case. On the other hand, LoL is a team game. I often sit in the middle of the five people inside the booth, and my mind is at much greater ease. I felt like I could take on anything with my team.”

I couldn’t agree more with his sentiment. Back when I played Starcraft, it was harrowing to play 1v1. That’s why I mostly stuck to 2v2 and 3v3. There is less to fear in the company of reliable teammates, regardless of how long we spent time together. Your mileage may vary on having strangers as teammates, but I still unconsciously harbor that feeling.

His beloved teammates left the team one by one, and the team’s performance deteriorated. To make matters worse, NaJin, the main sponsor, started to have financial problems. As things got worse for the company, NaJin decided to disband the team altogether at the peak of their popularity. watch could have stayed if he wanted to, but decided against it.

“I wish things had turned out differently. I owe much to NaJin, and people recognize me because I was on the team. I felt bad about leaving the team. At the time, hypothetical questions like “what if I played better, would the team have stayed together?” haunted me. It was less about regrets and more about self-reflection.”

After leaving NaJin, watch found a new home in ZTR Gaming, a Chinese challenger team. ZTR was mostly unknown to Chinese fans, let alone his domestic fans. watch said he declined offers from other primary league teams because he felt ZTR really wanted him. He played for a year on the team. Even though he tried his best, things did not go as well as he planned. watch said he still had no regrets. That was that; his career as a pro gamer silently came to an end in a place far away from home.

I asked him how he would describe his career.

“Bittersweet. There are some things still left to be desired, but I’m mostly satisfied. More importantly, I was so happy to do something I love – gaming.”

“If I didn’t go into pro gaming, my life wouldn’t have been as fun. I’m glad to have met many good teammates and coaches. People often tell others to follow their dream, but only a lucky few get to practice what they preach. I was happy to do something I was passionate about while earning income and prestige."

For the final question, I was curious what he thought about people focusing on his appearance rather than performance. His answer was typical of watch.

“I liked getting compliments about my looks at first. As time went on, I felt like people overlooked my performance as a player. So, I applied myself harder. I tried my best to go toe-to-toe against the enemy jungler. I think it was a good motivator for me.”

watch’s life as pro gamer has come to a close, but he will continue to be in gaming, which he holds so dearly. On January 18th, he not only announced his retirement, but also announcing that he’ll be signing with Kongdoo Comapny as a streamer. For someone who craves fan interactions, it was a perfect opportunity for him. As a part of Kongdoo, watch plans to start personal streams. Throughout the interview, he seemed excited about the idea of interacting with fans.

“I’ve missed my fans a lot. I couldn’t communicate with them on online communities or social media while I was in China. I’m glad I get to talk to my fans in this interview form.”

“I’ll begin streaming shortly. My mother will have an operation scheduled next week, and I’m moving to a new place after that. Once she recovers, I think I can stream next month. I hope many people come to watch my stream. I want to talk to you. What do you want to know? I have a lot of dirt on ex-NaJin players who are now big names. [laughs]”