Another day, another failed date from Inven Global's Super Smash Bros. Ultimate matchmaking service. At this point, I'm just saying to take this quiz at your own risk. 

Here is how a date with Daisy went this past Valentine's Day. 

Valentine's Day with Daisy

Chapter 1: Aaron

When I met Daisy for the first time, she seemed nice. She clearly came from money and introduced herself to the waiter as “princess,” which was pretty pretentious, but we still had a lot in common. She said she likes to play golf, tennis, and even kart race. She showed me a picture of her special kart, and said they even illegally street race with it sometimes which was pretty cool. 

I did find it weird that she kept referring to everyone around as her “subjects” but I guess some people are just quirky like that. She ordered the sauteed mushroom special and then excused herself. I thought nothing of it, maybe she was going for a smoke break or something, so I waited patiently for her to return.

Chapter 2: Olivia

I thought it was a bit annoying that Daisy was late to our lunch date but knew from her dating profile that she did seem to be a bit scatter-brained. She seemed to always be doing something random — she even had a photo of herself competing at the Olympic Games. 

Finally, I saw Daisy rush toward me and felt a sense of relief. I heard her say, “Hi, I’m Daisy!” as she shoved someone out of the way, which was a bit strange. But at least she was finally here. Then I noticed she had come from inside the restaurant, which was sort of strange. 

“Were we supposed to meet in—” I started. 

“NO! I mean, no,” Daisy replied. “I just went in to pee really quick. Let’s head in!” 

We walked into the restaurant and I looked around. It was a bit swanky for a lunch date, which threw me off a bit more. She seemed pretty chill from her profile. We walked to our table and Daisy told me she would try to get a “subject’s” attention. Was this really the same woman who called herself “quirky” and spent her weekends playing video games? 

“I’m starving,” I said, trying to break the uncomfortable silence. 

“Oh, I’m not. I already o—” Daisy started, but then immediately went silent once again. 

“You already ate? Before a lunch?” I asked, trying to sound amused rather than annoyed. 

“I’m… I’m just not hungry on Thursdays,” Daisy responded, shrugging sheepishly. 

“It’s… Friday…” 

Daisy laughed loudly. Too loudly. “Sorry, I’ve lost track of the time,” she said, fiddling with her dress. “Sorry, I have to take a call really quick.” 

I watched Daisy run off, confused by the entire interaction. Would I even make it to the arcade portion of our date? I barely wanted to stay for the dinner, but I opened up the menu. 

Chapter 3: Aaron 

After a few minutes, Daisy returned to the table where her mushroom dish had arrived.

“My apologies for that delay, I was just... getting a breath of fresh air!” Daisy said, arranging her yellow dress and sitting down. “Where were we?”

“We were just getting to introducing ourselves, really,” I responded, a little confused about why she was so out of breath. “So what exactly is it you do for a living?”

“Oh right! I am in... kingdom management you could say,” she responded, seeming unsure of how to explain her job. “I hardly do much of it myself, beyond planning extravagant balls, and participating in various social events and sports with other nobles. I guess you could say I am more of a socialite than anything.”

I was starting to get the sense that maybe Daisy doesn’t actually work for a living at all; maybe she is the heiress to some wealthy family or something? She kept looking over at another table on the far end of the restaurant. I could barely see amid the hustle and bustle, but there appeared to be a woman sitting alone looking at a menu. The woman suddenly looked over in our general direction, and Daisy ducked below the table cloth all of the sudden.

“What are you doing?” I asked, confused. “Why are you hiding?”

“I umm, just felt like playing a minigame where I hide,” she replied with a sheepish glance. “Or maybe just felt like hanging out down here... Actually, I forgot something in my kart err car, will you excuse me for a few more minutes?”

She then got up, and rushed toward the bathrooms, the opposite way of the exit, without taking anything more than a few bites of her food.

Chapter 4: Olivia

I swear I had just seen Daisy — or someone who looked exactly like her — at another table. But she seemed to have used a warp pipe and was already rushing towards the bathroom when I noticed her again. I debated going in after her and confronting her about this strange and confusing date. 

Then I saw someone sitting at the table where I thought Daisy had been. There was mysteriously a second dish at their table. The person was looking toward the direction of the bathroom. Our eyes eventually met and we gave each other a very confused look. 

I nodded at the other person and started to walk over to them. Before I could make my way to the table I saw a man wearing green overalls burst into the restaurant. The restaurant seemed to fall silent as the man crazily glanced around the place while heaving and huffing, sweat dripping out from below his green hat. 

“I swear I saw her!” he yelled, causing the hostess to back away from the entrance. 

Silence. 

“WHERE IS MY SWEETIE!?” the man howled in agony, dropping to his knees. He then noticed the person at the table, the one with the mushroom plate. “YOU!” 

Chapter 5: Aaron

I looked around for who the mustached man was looking at, before looking back at him, and pointing to myself quizically.

“Yes! YOU! Who ordered that mushroom dish! That is her favorite!” 

“My date did, what is it to you?”

“Is your date’s name Daisy??” he asked, getting angrier as he approached me.

“Uh yeah, she said she was a princess and...”

“HOW DARE YOU! SHE IS MY VALENTINE!” he yelled in what appeared to be a very inaccurate Italian accent. “WHERE IS SHE?”

“I don’t know, she went to the bathroom, after saying she was going to go get something outside.” I replied.

It was at that moment I noticed the woman at the table that Daisy appeared to be hiding from staring at me, with a confused and somewhat stern look on her face. She stood up and started walking toward my table. This is the weirdest date I have been on in a long time I thought to myself.

Chapter 6: Olivia

“I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation,” I said. “Because he was basically screaming.” 

“I’M NOT SCREAMING!” 

I ignored the hysterical man and turned to the person sitting at the table. I said, “I assume you were Daisy’s date?”

They nodded, seeming afraid that I would also start breaking down in front of them. 

“I was matched up with Daisy in a very accurate, analytical, important matchmaking program from Inven Global,” I offered. “One of the things we both agreed on was that we hated cheating… I can see now that it’s a lie, along with most other things…” 

“WHAT MATCHMAKING THING?”

I turned to the crazy guy, repeating: “Some matchmaking thing from Inven—” 

At that point Daisy bursted dramatically through the bathroom door, making her way to the table. She had tears in her eyes, mascara running down her face. It was all very, very dramatic. 

“ALRIGHT, YOU CAUGHT ME!” 

The mustachioed man was speechless as was I. And the person next to the mushroom dish. What a waste of my time, was really all I could think. I could have been meeting up with Wii Fit Trainer, my second-best match. Instead I had to witness…. Whatever this is… 

Then I suddenly saw Daisy reach for her hair and pull at it. Her hair miraculously lifted off of her head, revealing blonde hair underneath. She then lifted up the hem of her dress, revealing a pink skirt underneath. 

“I didn’t mean to match with so many people,” she wailed. “I just tried to make myself sound like the… Like the perfect match… So I’d be able to get away… I needed options…” 

We all stared at her… Whoever it was. 

“But now the jig is up! Ug, I’ll never get away!” 

The green-clad man said: “P…Princess Peach?” 

It all made sense. The “subjects” talk… The dainty persona that clashed with her online profile… It was Peach all along. Before I could really think about this any further, Peach started to scream out in pure agony. 

We all turned to look at her. 

“HE’S FOUND ME! AND NOW HE’S TEXTING ME AGAIN!” 

“Who?” the person at the table asked. “Should we care?”

The overall guy looked terrified. 

“GREAT! NOW HE IS SENDING ME AN UNSOLICITED PHOTO!” 

Now I looked terrified. 

“He has been texting me and calling me and following me… I had to get a restraining order but he won’t listen. Nothing will stop him. I tried to pretend I got eaten by a chain chomp… It worked for a while. But now he knows I’m still here…” 

“Can we help?” the person at the table asked. 

“No,” Peach said. “I’m going to call Bowser. He’ll know where to hide me from that red-hatted fiend. Probably in another castle, I would guess.” 

We all stood in silence as Peach walked out of the restaurant, hands in fists, looking determined. I was stunned. And hungry. I sat down at the table and started to eat the mushroom dish. The guy in green also sat down, also looking stunned. Possibly traumatized from the experience. 

“Damn,” I sighed. “The mushrooms are cold…”